Thursday, June 28, 2012

I Want Out

I am at a crises moment as never before. Why does it matter? Why do I care what anybody thinks? I hate it when people are in my business. I am infuriated. I burn with fury, a deep and intense anger. Who do I lash out at? Who do I confront? If I wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities how do I attack them? I am sinking deeper and deeper in this mire. I hate this life and the circumstances surrounding it. I am experiencing a violent rage brewing underneath my calm demeanor. I feel like I am going to explode. I want to scream. I want to yell but who do I scream and yell at? Who is the object of this rage? How much of this can I take? When is this going to be over? I don't see a way for it to end. I have jumped through hoops I have ran every course asked. I have climbed that mountain and swam that sea. What more do I do? How much more do I take of this? I am losing me in this. I am losing this thing. I am at a breaking point. I don't know where this is leading. I don't know. I am losing, I am losing, I am trying to fight, to hold on. I am tired of fighting every day. I am weary of the mental and emotional battle. I am ready to let go. I am being overcome by this thing. I am perplexed.  I want out. I want out now!

Friday, June 1, 2012

How Could It Be?


I wonder how it could be? How could it be that my life can be as it is? You ever wonder that about yourself? Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful to God for all he has done in my life. But, I have this underlying question in the hidden part of my heart. "How could it be?" I never had dreamed this life up. My dream life was to have a wife, sons and daughters. Family was the greatest thing I desired since my high school days. To be a father and be called dad. To watch my sons play sports and be able to brag about how great they were. I wanted my daughters to play sports, sing and act. I would go to their recitals and be very proud. My wife and I would enjoy each other and make a difference in the lives of our children and also in the lives of those in the world. We would reach out and together our family would change the world. Somewhere this dream has only proved to be a nightmare.

I sit after watching the Sean Goldman story on Dateline. Sean was abducted by his mother and kept in Brazil for years. For some time he has been reunited with his father who had fought long and hard to bring his son home. I had signed up on the Bring Sean Home website a few years ago in support David Goldman's cause to bring his son Sean home. I prayed that there would be a happy ending. They are together and that is a blessing.

I really felt joy watching the Dateline special about the reunited father and son, but I also felt sadness and great loss. Thus my question, "How could it be?" How could blessing of family have eluded me so? I don't know if I have the answer, God knows the answer. So for now, I just rejoice to see fathers and their sons. For now, I will find comfort seeing fathers and their daughters. For now, I smile at husbands with their wives. For now, I will rest in my life as it is. Living with the underlying question in the hidden part of my heart, "How could this be?"